The mother of a good friend of mine used to preach that marriage was the best life. “With the right person,” she used to say, “There is no better life. But you must put God at the head of your home.”
It sounded good to me, though I have long felt that the “right person” part was a huge caveat. As I reflect upon the wisdom of her words, it occurs to me that hers was a more rational or pragmatic view of marriage than the romantic view, which currently drives much of our American marriage culture.
We talk of finding soul mates and destiny. What we feel is more important than how we think, and the success or failure of marriage is therefore judged by those same feelings, which change depending what side of the bed we get out of.
There are times I look at my wife, and I am certain that our marriage is proof of the guiding hand of providence. I am of this mind most often when I see her with our children. I can’t imagine the earth continuing to rotate on its axis were they not in this world. The truth, however, is that there were any number of women I could have been happily married to and reared children with. I do not say this out of an overblown sense of my own worth as a partner, but because, like my friend’s mother, I view marriage as a covenant that binds us to specific duties and obligations. Success is measured by the extent to which we are living up to those obligations.
In many cultures, marriages and romance exist independent of each other. Marriages are arranged and yet couples stay together, raise families and find happiness because marriage is seen not as the eternal source of giddy euphoria, but as a noble enterprise that mature people engage in.
Make no mistake, I am not without an appreciation for romance. I love the rush of anticipation, the tingle of the embrace, the rapture of sharing the same breath, the certainty that no one in history has ever felt the passion, the heat -- the sheer madness that you and your lover share. I have no desire to enter into a world where marriage is as cold as a business transaction. I do, however, strongly believe that adopting a more rational view of marriage will go a long way in strengthening the weakening American marriage framework. And if it’s romance you want, the notion that my wife chose me from all the men in the world to spend her life with is far more romantic than the idea that our union was simply a matter of providence playing itself out.
I would posit that putting God at the head of the marriage means duty. God after all asks things of us -- demands things of us. The Lord asks us to treat each other in certain ways. Putting God at the head of the marriage means honoring your mate with sacrifice, kindness and compassion. Offering forgiveness as God shows forgiveness to us. Most importantly, God asks us to do these things whether we feel like it or not. The fact that today we have lost “that lovin’ feelin’” does not excuse us from the duty to love. And as it happens, that is the essence of what we vow to do during the marriage ceremony.
The wisdom in my friend’s mother’s words was in her advice to measure as much with our minds as we do with our hearts in finding a partner. The right person is not always the one that makes the blood rush the warmest, but is someone equally devoted to the notion of marriage and family as being as much about duty as it is about romance.
