One of the drawbacks of discussing old-fashioned marriage –- the notion that marriage is an ennobling institution and the best environment in which to raise children -- is the discussion invariably centers on what is wrong in the black family. From Bill Cosby and his call-outs to conservative and liberal pundits across the country, all behave as if declining marriage rates and soaring illegitimacy rates only exist in the black community.
While it is true that some of these challenges predominate in the black community, they are by no means exclusive to the black community. In 1965, Patrick Moynihan issued his now famous report entitled "The Negro Family: The Case for National Action." Forty years ago, the Moynihan report was distressed by an illegitimacy rate in the black community of 22 percent. The current illegitimacy rate among whites is 24 percent. It is 44 percent among Hispanics. In 1965, the percentage of unwed mothers nationally was eight percent. That figure now stands at 34 percent.
The decline of two parent households and the social costs that accompany it is an issue that transcends race and economics. It is an American problem.
The current crisis in marriage is an outgrowth of the American cultural revolution of the late 1960’s. Many of the social changes of the time clearly made America better. However, in the midst of these social changes, we discarded old school notions of marriage and family and embraced new school notions of self-actualization. Americans embraced the idea that life is first and foremost about fulfilling the self. It is a vision at odds with the idea of two becoming one. Marriage is the process of sacrificing what is best for the “me” in service to what most benefits the “we.”
Two thousand years ago, Aristotle observed that happiness is not found through pursuit as a goal, but rather it is discovered through a life well-lived. Marriage is ennobling because its duties, sacrifices and responsibilities transform the individual by broadening the self-definition to include the wants, needs and happiness of someone else. It is ironic that as Claudia Winkler writes, those of us that ascribe to this notion of a nexus between duty and joy are the new counter culture.
Alas, like the research that supports marriage, there are pages describing the problem but very few paragraphs dedicated to a solution. Perhaps that is because the task of a cultural transformation seems so monumental.
We can support marriage through public policies like tax credits and housing subventions. Certainly these are helpful. But substantive political change must be preceded by cultural changes, and cultural change begins with words. Changing ideas about marriage and family demands a passionate and vocal advocacy. We must take every opportunity to bear witness to the world the way in which sacrifice, problem-solving and enduring tough times only to reach for each other again, have enriched our lives. Those on the other side of the debate do not shy away from advocating their position, and they are not armed as we are with truth and mountains of research.
Of course, nothing succeeds like success. The most powerful tool we have to produce a shift in the cultural winds is to succeed in our own marriages. Having experienced the highs and lows of married life for 12 years, I recognize this is easier said than done. In the real world, stuff happens. However, if we are truly intent on being the vanguard of a new marriage movement, we must work daily to ensure our own houses are in order.
We must recommit ourselves to making certain we are attentive to our spouses’ needs -- that our touches are gentle and our words sweet. During the inevitable trials, we must redouble our efforts and renew our commitment to a broader definition of self. With hard work, tough times get better. We must be always mindful that our success will ripple outward and influence everyone in its wake.
Without such heavy lifting, we can never hope to be convincing campaigners in the battle to re-establish marriage as an American institution.
