I hate Valentine's Day! There. I said it. The holiday causes me undue stress and is filled with unreasonable expectations that take the fun out of seduction. And seduction is what makes the world go ‘round, at least as it pertains to the sexes.

Though I have been married for almost 13 years, I do not claim any expertise. Nor do I indulge in the fantasy that my marriage is perfect -- far from it. I work at it, but somehow still manage to have days where my wife’s lips are poked out, and I am left scratching my head wondering what happened. 

But neither have I sleepwalked through the last 15 years. The ups and downs of a decade and a half with the same woman have taught me more than a thing or two about relationships. It took several years, but after much yelling and gesticulation, I have learned that though men may be the head of the household -- with God at the head of the house -- men are in charge of nothing. Women run the show. No matter how loud a man threatens or how much logic he brings to an argument, a woman is not going to do anything she doesn’t want to do, and that is just life in the big city. It is also why God gave men the gift of seduction (He also gave men the art of manipulation, but that is not what I am talking about.). I am referring to an honest, gentle, loving, prod a husband gives his wife in the direction she already wants to go. 

It is a great irony to me that single men walk around as if they have cornered the market in seduction. When I was single, I was under the same delusion. The truth is that married men are the true experts at seduction. Year after year, Valentine’s Day rolls around, and a single guy can pull out the same tired box of roses, and get over like a fat rat. For the married man, the bar is raised, and he must constantly invent new ways to seduce his wife. In my house, doing the laundry beats a box of chocolate any day of the week. But, I digress.

Seduction works because it is unexpected. February 14th is a neon sign announcing the day men will seduce, and that is hard work indeed when the seduced is watching, waiting to see what you do and grading your performance.

As a single man, I dreaded February 14th. There is nothing as lonely as being without a date on Valentine’s Day. Even when I had a companion, Valentine’s Day was no party. The only thing worse than not having a date is being on a date and wishing you were sharing Valentine’s Day with someone else. Been there, done that. And, of course, always pressure, pressure, pressure! Is she expecting a gift? Are flowers appropriate? Perhaps just a card? But if I want to unlock the gates to the kingdom, I had better make reservations and pick up some jewelry. And, at the end of the evening, what will it all mean?  

I thought things would become easier once I got married. I would never be without a date, and expectations would be pretty clear. We would be going home together at the end of the evening, whether we liked it or not. My wife is fairly easy-going, which is to say she has a long memory and a long fuse. It’s not that she doesn’t want all the hoopla; it’s just that if I don’t do it, she doesn’t get upset until much later when my failure to offer sacrifices at her feet invariably comes up in an argument about the depth of my devotion. See? The married guy has to buy dinner and do the laundry!

I do not begrudge a day to celebrate the love we have for our significant others, but who needs all the anxiety?

---

Joseph C. Phillips is the author of the Book “He Talk Like A White Boy."