Q:

Dear Valorie,

My husband, who is a minister at our church, is addicted to crack cocaine.  I have stuck by his side, encouraged and supported him consistently for over five years.  I have never been able to fully trust my husband because as soon as I think everything is OK, he goes on a drug binge or starts drinking which will lead him to the binge.   He steals from me and the business we had.    I haven't been able to pay my mortgage in three months because of his addiction.  Our bills are overwhelming now.   My husband is awesome when preaching and teaching, and he is a great father and husband when he is clean.  I love him, but I'm tired and weary, and in a way, I just want to give up on him.  Do you have any advice?

A:

This is a very tough situation and I commend you for doing your best to uphold your marriage vows and support your husband ‘for better or worse.’  Every situation is different, and the decision about whether you should give up is between you and God.  If he is willing to get help, love and support him until he gets it together.  I have witnessed the devastation that can be caused by addiction, and I have also witnessed the reconciliation that can occur when a person overcomes a drug habit. 

Pray daily for your husband and for your own strength.  Remember that you cannot change him, but God can.  However, you can change your approach.  Don’t join your husband in hiding the problem and denying the harsh reality of this situation.  The truth will set you free.  With his role in your church, I imagine he is a master at keeping up appearances and denying his problem, but he needs to step down from the ministry until he can kick his habit for good.  Your pastor and church family may be critical in helping him face reality, so consider turning to them for support.  Also consider joining a co-dependency support group in your area. 

Ultimately, he must make the decision to accept help for his addiction.  The decision you must make is whether you will stay with your husband until death do you part.  Are you willing to live under these circumstances until he turns his life around?  If so, what changes do you need to make so that you do not go bankrupt in the process?  This could mean lowering your expenses, increasing your income, or keeping your money safe from him so that you have the money to pay the household bills.  Life becomes less stressful in stressful situations when we make a decision and stick to it. 

You said that, “In a way, you want to give up on him.”  It will take some soul searching to determine if that’s what you should do.  It sounds like you are ready to give up sometimes, but perhaps your spirit is not willing to give up yet.  If you decide that you just cannot put up with his drug habit any longer, be prepared for a fight.  It is likely that he will either beg you to stay or fight tooth and nail to save his reputation so that his private addiction will not become a public disgrace.  If there are children involved, keep in mind that although you are divorcing him, they are not.  If they are old enough to understand, tell them the truth, but try not to fill their minds with negativity about their father.

You must do what you feel led to do, not what others think you should do.  Pray consistently and listen for God’s guidance – then follow it.  He will never lead you astray.

Valorie Burton, a life coach and speaker, is the author of Listen to Your Life, Rich Minds, Rich Rewards and her latest, What's Really Holding You Back?. She coaches groups and individuals to live their best lives. Learn about her coaching groups and subscribe to her FREE, inspirational e-newsletter at www.valorieburton.com.