Q:

Dear Valorie,

I am 35 years old with only an A.A.S. degree in Microcomputer Information, and currently working on my B.A. in Business.  I made some wrong choices early in life. At 15, I met my soon to be ex-husband and we have three children.  I was convicted of a felony, but served no time in prison after I accidentally injured one of my children during a spanking.  I cheated on my husband, had a nervous breakdown and then our relationship became abusive – although I did not think of it as “abusive” at the time.  His physical and emotional abuse (bringing women to our home) resulted in fights and arrests of both of us at one time or another.  Six years ago, I left for a shelter to start over.  I finally got my children back, but I cannot seem to get my life back.  Finding a lucrative career almost seems an impossibility, and unfortunately for me I can’t seem to get myself in a stable enough situation where I can discover what it is I can do on my own which will allow me to at the very least cover my basic needs. Can you help me find direction? Is there anyway for me to recover what I have lost in self-dignity, pride, and the ability to provide for my family?

A:

Yes, there is a way.  You state that you want to get “your life back,” but from your description, it does not appear that you have led a life that you want to “get back.”  You must make a complete shift in your thinking and approach so that you can create a new way of life.  Use your past mistakes, failures and pain to fuel your passion for a better life.  It’s not just about a better job or more money, it is about finding what you may never have had – a healthy dose of love, discipline and purpose.  You can recover, but it will take a commitment to turning your life around.  Here are a few specific steps that I recommend you take:

1. Connect with God and yourself for direction.  What is your purpose?  Whenever you are disconnected from yourself, God and His purpose for your life, you will make choices that lead to frustration, pain, scarcity and behavior that pulls you away from a fulfilling path rather than placing you on it.  Based on your purpose, create a compelling vision for your life.
2. Recognize that what you’ve been doing doesn’t work.  In order to have what you’ve never had, you must be willing to do what you’ve never done.  What isn’t working in your life?  What chips away at your dignity, stability and self-esteem?  What are you doing on a daily basis that sabotages your chances for success?” What excuses do you make and who do you blame for the problems in you life?  By knowing what doesn’t work, you can end the old behavior and seek new habits that serve you better.
3. Check your attitude, behavior and people skills.  These three things are a key to getting the type of job that will help you overcome your financial challenges.  It is commendable that you have made strides in your education.  Make sure that you offer the ‘soft skills’ that employers look for as well – a positive attitude, professionalism and strong work ethic.  Have at least one friend who will tell you the truth about your behavior, attitude and the way you come across to people. 
4. Seek wise counsel.  People have a tendency to adjust their behavior to their environment.  Partner with someone who is also serious about changing his or her life, and encourage one another.  Immerse yourself in environments that are positive and uplifting, with people whose standards and goals are high. For example, once you decide on a career path, read books and articles, and talk to counselors or people experienced at doing what you would like to do.  Don’t take advice from people whose behavior you do not want to pattern. 
5. Focus and take action.  Success takes the discipline of focus and consistent action.  Once you make a decision about your purpose and direction, commit to it fully.  If you just keep moving forward – taking steps every day – and don’t give up, you will not only “recover,” you will love yourself and your life. 

Valorie Burton, a life coach and speaker, is the author of Listen to Your Life, Rich Minds, Rich Rewards and her latest, What's Really Holding You Back?. She coaches groups and individuals to live their best lives. Learn about her coaching groups and subscribe to her FREE, inspirational e-newsletter at www.valorieburton.com.