Dear Valorie,
Q. I am a 40 something woman who has been married for over 13 years. Three years ago, my husband and I separated due to his continual use and abuse of drugs. He found his own place and thought that he needed time to straighten out his life. Throughout these three years, we maintained an intimate relationship and talked for the most part daily. In 2004, I moved back home to help my parents because they are aging. Two weeks after I moved home, my father died unexpectedly. I promised my mother I would stay with her until she decided what she wanted to do. Two years ago, my husband started his sober journey and he asked me several times to go to counseling with him which I finally did. We were getting along so well and things were getting to the point where we were going to be living together again. In late 2005, my mother began to have health issues. Last year, my husband began drinking and using drugs again. We have become more distant than ever although we continued to talk and we were still intimate. Recently, I went to his place to find him in the company of another female. I didn't make a scene I just wanted answers. I continue to communicate with him but he refuses to talk to me or acknowledge my calls. If our relationship is over I want him to tell me that and not let me continue to feel so bad. My mother has since been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and I am on the roller coaster ride of my life. Between trying to look after my mother and trying to save my marriage, I feel overwhelmed. I don't know what to do when it comes to trying to communicate with my husband. What do you suggest?
Signed,
Heartbroken
AP Video
Dear Heartbroken,
A. I'm sorry to hear all that you've been through. I know it is painful, but it is time for you to let go and move forward with your life. Your husband doesn't have to tell you with words that it is over. He has already told you that with his actions. You deserve more than he is able to give you. He is ill and has made a choice to stay where he is. You must now make a choice to do what is best for you rather than remaining stuck in an unhealthy situation that leaves you feeling rejected, abandoned and unworthy. You deserve healthy and stable love. In order to have that, you have to make room for it by letting go of all of the dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships that are taking up space in your life. Focus on your mother and yourself. Take this time to get to know yourself more and build your self-esteem. Develop and rely on your faith to start over and create a new and more fulfilling life.
I am not suggesting it will be easy. Transformation can be a difficult, emotionally trying process, but it is worth it. Your life has the potential to be completely different than it is right now, but it is contingent upon the choices you make – particularly when it comes to this relationship. Consider counseling and check out the counseling options you may have through your church or health insurance. I am praying for your healing and recovery from years of drama and trauma in your marriage.
Warm wishes,
Valorie
Valorie Burton, a professional life coach and speaker, is author of Listen to Your Life and What's Really Holding You Back?. Her latest book, Why Not You? 28 Days to Build Authentic Confidence will be released March 20th. Subscribe to her free e-newsletter at www.valorieburton.com.
