Q:
Dear Valorie,
My mother is chronically ill and I am caring for her by myself. I’m getting burned out because my three younger siblings don’t help with my ailing mother. I am disappointed in them and angry at them. I just don’t understand why they don’t see that they should be responsible here to. How can I get them to step up to the plate?
A:
It’s time for a family meeting. Perhaps you’ve always been the one in the family to take responsibility, and they’ve all come to expect that. But in this instance the responsibility is too much for one sibling to bear. Take some time to clarify exactly what it is that you want from them. Have an objective for the family meeting: To begin sharing responsibility. Don’t make the conversation vague, such as “I need more help with Mom.” You need to be very specific, making clear requests, such as, “I am no longer able to handle all of the responsibilities of our mother’s care. I feel overwhelmed and alone when it comes to taking care of her. I need us to share these responsibilities because they should not be mine alone. Here is a list of everything that is necessary to take care of her. Which of these can you do? Or, if you are physically unable to do them, what are you willing to pay to have someone handle on your behalf?” You know what questions and requests make sense for you and your situation. The key here is to speak up for yourself and be specific. Here are a few more things to remember:
AP Video
- Choose the right time and place for the conversation.
- Avoid an emotional confrontation. Your goal is to get them to share the responsibility. Blaming and yelling will likely not get you to your goal.
- Ask for exactly what you need. Do not settle for “no.” If they are resistant to what you ask for, ask them what alternatives they have to your ideas.
If the problem persists and they refuse to help, begin considering alternatives outside of your immediate family – such as relatives and even professional services, if you can afford them.
Warm wishes,
Valorie
Professional life coach Valorie Burton is the author of several books, including her latest, Why Not You? 28 Days to Authentic Confidence. Subscribe to her free, weekly e-newsletter at www.valorieburton.com.
