Ask Valorie: I Have A Very Smart Mouth

Q:

Hi Valorie:

Can you help me please? I'm an 38 year old African American and Puerto Rican female. I lack in my communication skills when it comes to expressing my thoughts, feelings, and knowing when to keep silent, especially in my existing relationship. I'm an excellent speaker in front of an audience or in job interviews, because I have time to think about or practice what I'm going to say first. However, I can have a very smart mouth and my tone of voice are mostly taken the wrong way, even when I don't have attitude. I tend to get smart mouthed when I feel offended or my feelings are hurt. My mouth is my weapon. I need help with my tone of speaking and better choice of words or phrases. However I know that I need improvement and it can be better. I've prayed to God asking for his grace and seeking his help and guidance to speak more gracefully and knowing when to keep quiet. The prayers have definitely helped, but I’m wondering, are there any college courses, books or etc., that you recommend to help me develop into being a wise communicator? I know and feel once I get this communication down pat there's no stopping me.

A:

Hi Angela:

Congratulations on the progress you have made thus far in improving your communication skills. I don't know of any books to recommend, but suggest you go to the bookstore or library and do a search. Or quicker yet, do a search online.

I have a few tips of my own:

- Let go of the need to be right in a conversation. When you feel pulled to be sarcastic or "smart mouthed," close your mouth.

- Practice speaking gently and saying pleasant words to people. In Proverbs it says, "Pleasant words are a honeycomb. Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."

- Get to the root of your communication challenges. Often, we have difficulty communicating or get into trouble with our style of communicating because our words have become a way of coping with fears. Notice when you tend to become agitated or rude. What are you defending yourself from? What are you afraid of? When you get to the root of your fears and begin to address them, better communication will emerge.

Because you seem so sincere about improving, I believe your transformation will be a testimony you can use to inspire others. Use this as an opportunity to grow and ask yourself, "What lessons are being offered to me?"

Learn the lessons your life is teaching you – and I have no doubt, you will be unstoppable!

Valorie Burton’s latest book, Why Not You? 28 Days to Authentic Confidence is available online and in stores now. Her other books include Listen to Your Life, What's Really Holding You Back? and Rich Minds, Rich Rewards. Subscribe to her weekly e-newsletter at www.valorieburton.com.