Q:
Dear Valorie,
I got married last year, and the biggest issue between me and my husband is that he’s basically a neat freak and I’m more laid back. He wants everything in order – I mean everything! He thinks everything should be cleaned up as soon as you’re done with it. I, on the other hand, eventually clean up, but I don’t feel like cleaning up is always so urgent – especially with as busy as we both are. I think he should lighten up. I’m not a slob, I just want a break. Do you think this is a problem because we were both over 35, lived alone and were set in our ways when we got married? How can I get him to lighten up?
A:
Yes, I think you are both set in your ways! I also think that if this is the biggest issue in your marriage, the two of you should be commended. You’re obviously doing many other things well. This is an opportunity for compromise.
Would you be willing to try cleaning up a little more? It seems a small price to pay to minimize the disagreements. You can let him know you will do better, and ask him if he’s willing to meet you half way and lighten up a bit. Ask him, “If there is one thing I would be willing to commit to doing differently when it comes to cleaning up, what do you want that to be?” You may not like cleaning up, but you may be surprised. I bet you’ll enjoy your less cluttered environment. Let him ask you the same question: “If there’s one way I could lighten up that would mean a lot to you, what would it be?”
I also think that you must face the reality that your husband might never change – and you might not either. Most people don’t. The only person you have control over is you. And the journey to coming together in your marriage may be more about accepting each other than changing each other.
Professional life coach and speaker Valorie Burton is author of Why Not You? 28 Days to Authentic Confidence, and several popular books. Subscribe to her FREE, weekly e-newsletter at www.valorieburton.com.
