My fiancée and I have been together for two years. We were planning to get married and start a family real soon. But I have a confession: My fiancée just lost his job and even though it's not his fault, I have to admit it's changed him and me. He's lying around depressed, and, frankly, I've lost some respect for him. I'm having doubts about getting married and starting a family with him now. I'm trying to check myself, but do you think I'm being selfish?

Keisha, from Baltimore

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The entire idea of marital bliss without significant cash flow is a lie, of course. The proverbial cute couple that loves each other unconditionally is a breathtaking thought. Theory has always been a good thing, but it’s just that - a theory. At some point, reality has a wonderful way of setting in.

There is no such thing as “I love him, girl” just because. Come on now: He has to have something going for him. A future with cash on the horizon or cash in the bank is one of those serious reasons why you obviously stay. Black women have been singing those anthems for years. And most times, he’s either broke, paid or at some point in his life been both. Yes, money matters. In other words, “Ain’t nothing going on but the rent.”

And if you’ve ever been married or been in one those serious long-term relationships, you understand that you are going to argue. As a matter of fact, studies have shown that couples argue once every two weeks on average; most of these arguments are temporary conflicts, disagreements that can often be solved with an apology and a bit of sustained effort. But the arguments that last - the ones couples find hardest to resolve - center around the almighty dollar.

In fact, 38 percent of men and women in a recent national Harris Interactive poll say that money is the number-one cause of marital strife. And that's well ahead of either of the distant-second hot-button subjects that cause friction: The division of household chores and the amount of sex in the relationship.

“Money can’t buy you love, and love don’t pay the bills,” said Dr. Ben Gilbert of Philadelphia. “Money can buy what you like, though. If somebody is spending a lot of dough on you, you can really learn to be around that person. When those bills start to come in, that’s when love goes out the door and frustration sets in. You take a time like this, with this recession, and things can be rather hectic.”

A lot of money problems stem from the fact that couples often have different financial goals - for example, she wants a new kitchen, and he wants a refinished basement. Or it comes from the lack of communication about what their goals are - one person is in charge of all bills, and the two rarely talk about anything beyond the month-to-month expenses. Or it comes from the major and basic life stress of making sure you have enough money to pay bills, have fun, provide for the kids and avoid living in a one-room apartment upon retirement.

Often what are missing in a relationship are the male and female perceptions on how to spend money. In other words, communication has tendency to be rather poor, which can make even the nicest people rather crazy when it comes to money.

“Money gives you options,” said Darin Jackson of Detroit. “When you don’t have it, it limits your options. When the money is funny, and you’re in a bad marriage, it can make for a miserable combination. .....

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If this woman feels this way, most likely she should not get married. This is the real life situation that couples agree to when they say "for better or worse" in their marriage vows. I do not believe this woman is ready for marriage and all it entails. this is not necessary a bad thing it is just where she is at this time in her life.

by   
DOCMOM
February 26, 2009, 2:20 pm
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BigBlackW ... two things ... "neither one of us believed in divorce" & " WORKING THROUGH OUR PROBLEMS TOGETHER. NOT waiting for something to go wrong, so I can bounce."

Too many of our relationships/marriages are temporary economic and/or sexual allainces!

I guess the words "for better or worse" don't have the same value as they used to! I wish my ex-wife was like your enduring spouse!

by   
Mandinka_99
February 26, 2009, 1:38 pm
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When I met my wife she was a spender and a shopaholic. I was always the one who budgeted and saved. We lived together for three years BEFORE we got married because we both have strong personalities, different views about money and neither one of us believed in divorce.
Today I own three businesses in Columbus,Ohio and she pays all the household bills. We have a big family,so finances are VERY important. We both learned a lot about life, love, kids and money by NEVER going to bed angry and WORKING THROUGH OUR PROBLEMS TOGETHER. NOT waiting for something to go wrong, so I can bounce.........

by   
BigBlackW
February 26, 2009, 12:26 pm
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As far as relationships go, I wonder if anyone else beside me realizes that a sista, while gainfully employed, but one missed paycheck away from sleeping on the sidewalk because she's maxed out all of her credit cards from shopping binges and barely getting by because she's still driving a tricked out SUV and wearing the latest fashion gear while getting high maintenance hair & beauty treatments ... that kinda sista is just as much an economic liability as a brotha who is temporarily or chronically unemployed or underemployed.

by   
Mandinka_99
February 26, 2009, 11:01 am
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From what I've seen, relationships that have withstood the test of time were the ones where the couple LIVED a LIFE TOGETHER as opposed to PURSUING A LIFESTYLE together.

by   
Mandinka_99
February 26, 2009, 10:54 am
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. Today you hear and see the couple that are together for 30+ years because the went through the rough time . We need to understand that life is not always high in the clouds. We have to start on the ground and work VERY HARD to reach that cloud. Its not a given. Someone need to help Keisha know that she can watch her man and another women enjoy the good time again if she not willing to put in the work it takes to get back there.

by   
Mikejones34
February 26, 2009, 10:26 am
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Prayer alone solves Nothing! If it did there wouldn't be any problems in the world. People say pray when they don't know what else to say. I do agree that he needs encouragement and support. This situation let's them both see what they're made of during tough times. If he isn't creative enough to get his mind to thinking of some legal ways to get his hustle on. Then she doesn't need him. He has to do his part.

by   
Chicago35
February 26, 2009, 9:32 am
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When times are tough and times are tough, sitting down with your significant other and being honest about finances is the first step. In my home at the beginning of the year we have a "State of the Family" meeting.At this meeting we are honest about all aspects of finances. We debate all aspects of the budget and come to an understanding on financial expectations. I am a firm believer that all parties should be cognizant of all aspects of the family finances.We have a rule...Any purchase over 500.00 by any member must be mutually agreeable.This has worked well for me. Empower yourself

by   
Reality_Check
February 26, 2009, 9:18 am
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Devenbol, I agree with your comments. Individuals need prayer and words of encouragement to help sustain them when times are tough. They should be lifted up and not torn down. Always do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

by   
Mkrep
February 26, 2009, 8:33 am
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If I were in a serious relationship and the guy lost his job I would stand by him. The best thing for him and our relationship would be prayer. That alone can keep someone from being depressed in an otherwise depressing situation. That is truely the key to every issue we face.
I have noticed that the farther away I am from God the more problems I have, and the harder it is to cope with those problems. Sincerely wanting a relationship with God and actively seeking one is and has always been the solution.

by   
Devenbol
February 26, 2009, 7:02 am
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