04:35 AM Tuesday, February 09, 2010
No Money Equals No Honey? How Finance Impacts Romance
Date: Thursday, February 26, 2009, 4:30 am
By: Zack Burgess, Special to BlackAmericaWeb.com
My fiancée and I have been together for two years. We were planning to get married and start a family real soon. But I have a confession: My fiancée just lost his job and even though it's not his fault, I have to admit it's changed him and me. He's lying around depressed, and, frankly, I've lost some respect for him. I'm having doubts about getting married and starting a family with him now. I'm trying to check myself, but do you think I'm being selfish?
Keisha, from Baltimore
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The entire idea of marital bliss without significant cash flow is a lie, of course. The proverbial cute couple that loves each other unconditionally is a breathtaking thought. Theory has always been a good thing, but it’s just that - a theory. At some point, reality has a wonderful way of setting in.
There is no such thing as “I love him, girl” just because. Come on now: He has to have something going for him. A future with cash on the horizon or cash in the bank is one of those serious reasons why you obviously stay. Black women have been singing those anthems for years. And most times, he’s either broke, paid or at some point in his life been both. Yes, money matters. In other words, “Ain’t nothing going on but the rent.”
And if you’ve ever been married or been in one those serious long-term relationships, you understand that you are going to argue. As a matter of fact, studies have shown that couples argue once every two weeks on average; most of these arguments are temporary conflicts, disagreements that can often be solved with an apology and a bit of sustained effort. But the arguments that last - the ones couples find hardest to resolve - center around the almighty dollar.
In fact, 38 percent of men and women in a recent national Harris Interactive poll say that money is the number-one cause of marital strife. And that's well ahead of either of the distant-second hot-button subjects that cause friction: The division of household chores and the amount of sex in the relationship.
“Money can’t buy you love, and love don’t pay the bills,” said Dr. Ben Gilbert of Philadelphia. “Money can buy what you like, though. If somebody is spending a lot of dough on you, you can really learn to be around that person. When those bills start to come in, that’s when love goes out the door and frustration sets in. You take a time like this, with this recession, and things can be rather hectic.”
A lot of money problems stem from the fact that couples often have different financial goals - for example, she wants a new kitchen, and he wants a refinished basement. Or it comes from the lack of communication about what their goals are - one person is in charge of all bills, and the two rarely talk about anything beyond the month-to-month expenses. Or it comes from the major and basic life stress of making sure you have enough money to pay bills, have fun, provide for the kids and avoid living in a one-room apartment upon retirement.
Often what are missing in a relationship are the male and female perceptions on how to spend money. In other words, communication has tendency to be rather poor, which can make even the nicest people rather crazy when it comes to money.
“Money gives you options,” said Darin Jackson of Detroit. “When you don’t have it, it limits your options. When the money is funny, and you’re in a bad marriage, it can make for a miserable combination. .....
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I may be reading the article wrong, but I wasn't sure if they were living together or not. If they were shaking-up, that was the mistake that both originally made, because the circumstances could have happened to either party (loosing their job). However, If you're an independent dweller you have more of a sense of responsibility, if not immedience of what you have to do, and you don't have the luxury to be a "Couch Potato" because the Rent has to be paid.
leart
by
Leart3
March 2, 2009, 10:06 am
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I may be reading the article wrong, but I wasn't sure if they were living together or not. If they were shaking-up, that was the mistake that both originally made, because the circumstances could have happened to either party (loosing their job). However, If you're an independent dweller you have more of a sense of responsibility, if not immedience of what you have to do, and you don't have the luxury to be a "Couch Potato" because the Rent has to be paid.
leart
by
Leart3
March 2, 2009, 10:06 am
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I agree with the article, in that, if he’s a good man worth keeping; learn to express appreciation for what he DOES bring to the table of value. On the other hand, if you’re with a man who doesn’t contribute his share financially AND doesn’t treat you with love, kindness and respect; he needs to leave. There should be a solid enough foundation in the relationship itself to have even a remote chance of withstanding the strain of money (or any OTHER) problems.
by
Mylyjohn
February 27, 2009, 6:53 am
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I can say from personal experience that money problems are harder to overcome in a relationship. Two people must have agreement on financial objectives...AND the maturity to make wise decisions about pursuing them. In relationships in which the sister is earning more, brothers must put pride aside. That has become an all-too-common fact of life in African-American households. In those instances, sisters must resist emasculating her man for not bringing home more money.
by
Mylyjohn
February 27, 2009, 6:53 am
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For 1 GOD is not da foundation in a relationship anymore. 2nd women r not being raise to respect man. But to seek a man with money n power. Man r being raised to treat all women like queens, n with respect. Women r being taught how to use with they got 2 get with they want, basically how to con n manipulate man. A man don't choose his women by money n power. Basically theirs a tactical imbalance going on. How can u "RESPECT" some1 whos not being raised to RESPECT U
by
Parcell
February 26, 2009, 4:04 pm
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The arguments that last - the ones couples find hardest to resolve - center around the almighty dollar.
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