Feelings are like scissors: treated carefully and with respect, they can be used to perform useful functions, like fringing drapes, stringing together red paper hearts, and creating tasteful dioramas, but run with them down a crowded street screaming at the top of your lungs and somebody’s bound to get hurt. Study the following list of emotions — and how best to express them — carefully, so the next time your girlfriend wants an intimate chat you won’t turn into Jack Nicholson from The Shining.

Sadness. A blank, empty, incapacitating feeling that can be occasioned by everything from the death of a favorite pet to the Yankee’s performance in the ALCS. The appropriate way to express sadness to your girlfriend: “Honey, I’m feeling kind of sad right now.” The inappropriate way to express sadness to your girlfriend: blasting Willie Nelson’s rendition of “Over the Rainbow” on the stereo as you lock yourself into the bathroom with a bottle of single-malt scotch.

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