What I Won't Do - And You Shouldn't

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What I Won't Do - And You Shouldn't - For Love

Date: Thursday, July 16, 2009, 4:47 am
By: Tonya Pendleton, BlackAmericaWeb.com

We must start loving and believing in ourselves, regardless of what outside validation comes our way.

When Karrine Steffans’ now infamous book “Confessions of a Video Vixen” came out, I recognized someone in the book: Myself. There wasn’t the array of bold-faced names in my past (although there may be one or two recognizable ones), but my experiences allowed me to understand how a woman can get caught up in allowing men to use her for the only thing she believes they value.

A new DVD documentary entitled "Kiss and Tail: The Hollywood Jump-off," is billed as a “response” to the Steffans books, which now include “The Vixen Manual” to help women “find, keep and seduce” a man. Whatever you may think about Steffans, it’s interesting that a group of hip-hop “men,” including pimp Bishop Don Magic Juan, find it necessary to refute her. I haven’t yet seen the DVD, so I can’t comment on specifics, but the idea itself seems ludicrous.

Are they going to say that groupies don’t exist? Or that they don’t experience the kind of physical and mental degradation and abuse, as well as the silencing that Steffans very graphically writes about in her first book? Or are they going to suggest that there aren’t men who take advantage of some women’s ignorance, desperation or low self-esteem, if not a combination of all of the above, to lead them on, exploit and degrade them, while risking the lives, health and trust of their wives or significant others?

It’s particularly interesting that individuals like Bishop Don Magic Juan - who has admittedly exploited women through his decades as a professional pimp - is somehow viewed as a cartoonish, unthreatening character in the black community, while a woman like Steffans, who after all, did write about her own experiences, is ostracized and condemned. Her book was more of a cautionary tale about the consequences of such behavior, as opposed to any celebration of the life she led as a consort to hip-hop’s most famous men. To me, that seems a little more honest than a group of men who are full participants in “groupie love” attempting to shut down a woman who tells the truth about the often exploitative and parasitic nature of such relationships.

Clearly, women are not always passive victims. There are many who exploit and use men for money, social standing, lifestyle and other self-serving purposes. But the far more common situation is a vulnerable woman caught up in a situation that becomes far too much for her to handle emotionally.

Steve McNair and Shahel Kazemi’s tragic deaths are a recent illustration of that. Kazemi, a 20-year-old waitress, was apparently afraid that the married former NFL player 16 years her senior was becoming distant and might have yet another girlfriend. (Kazemi’s mother was murdered when she was 9.) Reportedly, she was led to believe that that McNair was getting divorced and had become increasingly emotionally and financially dependent on the retired NFL player.

By all accounts, McNair, who was revered by the Tennessee Titans fan community, risked his social standing, his reputation and his marriage for what was, to him, a transient relationship. And if the reports are true, she was deceived by the older man. While those kinds of relationships don’t always end in such a horrific way, most of them do become traumatic, particularly if the relationship has any financial inequality, as they often do.

While McNair and Kazemi’s grieving families may never have a final answer why, it’s sad that the women in these situations are so marginalized. Just as wives need support when husbands stray, mistresses and “side chicks” do too, so that they can ultimately make better choices for themselves. Instead, they usually .....

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this is to lostradamus Don't give up brother there are intelligent sistas no matter the race, out there who will love you for just being you and not for what you have. take it from a sista who knows. We may be scarce, but we are out there. continue to respect yourself and ohters and believe me when you least expect it, God will bring that special lady made just for you

by
Erica6
July 16, 2009, 8:25 pm
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I am not surprised that you were not appreciated as a whole woman. Women who are involved sexually with “unavailable men” are not whole and will not be appreciated as such. Men only use them for sex. A woman who is whole is single. That is, whole within herself and connected and one with GOD. A woman has to be single in order to be appreciated as a whole woman. The same is true for a man. If you want to know if a person is worthy to marry, you must first find out if they are single. Single people must only marry single people. Trying to marry a half person will make a whole mess.

by
DoctorWill
July 16, 2009, 7:05 pm
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Richard Jefferson of the Nets going to the Spurs ? I don't blame you. I would have left her at the alter too. Let her find another sucker to have a baby by and take their money.. I applaud you...their is intelligent life out here...iamout
smithmusic_2000@yahoo.com

by
Jazflutesmith
July 16, 2009, 4:59 pm
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There are some intelligent black females out here. It is like tryig to find a normal black female in a sea of chickenheands. Chickenheads are like birds roosting in a field, YOU might find one bird by themselves, MIGHT, the rest are so loud, fake, no job, 5 kids, lying, on welfare, mad because there are no congical visits at the prison. fake eyelashes, DON"T work. It makes you sick. First go get a job. please

by
Jazflutesmith
July 16, 2009, 4:56 pm
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I'm constantly searching for an intelligent black woman, but they look at me with that "how dare you, you're not good enough look"! Then you have these women of other races and cultures who will (cliche time!!) "except me for who and what I am" (or what I got) and then the black women have the nerve to raise their lip at me like I just disgust them! I pursue the black woman and I get the cold shoulder. I've never cheated or hit the women I've been with! I spend time, money, and efforts to try to make them happy! I'm looking for a wife, not a quickie.

by
L0Stradamus
July 16, 2009, 3:35 pm
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